Monthly Archives: July 2008

Absolutely Beautiful!

This is the most I have smiled this week :D. Watch Matt dance into my day.

Advertisements

I am an Archaeologist!

I have always found archaeology to be a fascinating subject. It requires imagination and an ability to suspend reality as we know it and recreate an alternative universe elsewhere where these people, animals, houses existed. It requires courage to be able to dig up a tooth and wonder if it was a baby tooth or a teenager who pulled it out or the teeth of an old man who lost it when chewing on that piece of fish. It requires creating these relationships and giving them a place and a time to exist in.

I have always found archeology to be a fascinating subject and wondered how it would be to be one, until I realized I had a bit of archaeologist in me. I have spent all my life as I know it trying to recreate friendships and relationships that I have lost. Given that my family moved quite a bit, I have become adept at feeling comfortable with change. I realize now how desperately I keep hanging on to certain relationships to counter the physical change. I have a few friends, a couple of really close ones who will pick up the phone whenever I call and yet I have spent my time trying to hold on to vestiges of friendships I had when I was a kid. I don’t blame my parents for moving…I would never do that and yet when I think of the relationships that could have been, it makes me want to turn back time.

I was quite young then, I had spent 7 years of my life in one school, developing friends in a way only a 8 – 10 year old can. I never realized how much I miss those people, until a decade later when I went back. In my mind, nothing had changed, everything remained still until I came back and restarted my life as I imagined it to be and yet it never did. I thought if I behaved like nothing changed, then maybe things would take the shape of my reality and yet it never really did. When a relationship didn’t work as I thought it would, I just manage to create a universe where it does. I do not know, which hurts most – my creation of a reality and seeing how pathetic I can sometimes be, or the actual reality which just plain hurts.

It might seem quite silly, even sad. Sometimes I tell myself to grow up and get over it. But you know, I am not sure I can. There are something in life which will always keep haunting us. Certain moments, certain events and certain people will keep coming up again and again. There are very few things I regret. I am not someone who keeps looking back and regretting decisions I have made. But this, I do. It wasn’t borne out a decision I made and yet I feel responsible.

I have always wondered if an archaeologist saw himand said, “Damn! We would have been amazing together” You know, when you see people and immediately know you would be the best of friends for ages to come, if only you had the guts to know each other more…

I have a couple of amazing friends, and I wouldn’t exchange them for anything in the world. This is not a sob story, it is just me imagining myself to be an archaeologist.


Love in the time of optimism.

There is this line in “Shantaram” where the narrator says “Optimism is the first cousin of love, and it’s exactly like love in three ways: it’s pushy, it has not real sense of humour, and it turns up where you least expect it.”  I liked that line.


Sex and the City

When you are sitting in the middle of a small theatre, alone amidst 20 – 30 other people all of whom are not alone, you see more of a movie than you thought you would. When there is no chatter, or when there is no one prodding you every five minutes to ask for popcorn or ask what something really meant, you realize there is actually more in the movie than initially thought.

Sex and New York, what is unique and common here. I think it is that certain self centred nature that comes into play in both. New York is a very self centered city. It is always about the uniqueness of the city and the way it manages to dominate everything in sight. Sex is very self centered too, I mean how many times do you think, hmm..let him/her enjoy this, let it not be about how I want it….That is what I saw when I saw the movie. I am taking about all this in a good way. There is a scene in the end where Samantha realizes what she really wants and that was the most beautiful part of the movie for me. It was an acknowledgement of her needs and wants and her taking full responsibility for what she feels. She was a complete person all by herself and does not depend on someone else to complete her and maybe that is why I liked her role. It is so easy to slip into the role of being a doormat and constantly live to serve others. Isn’t it common to here “Oh, I am just happy doing this for you”. I don’t think that is real love…giving away all your love totally and basing all your happiness on that love is dangerous to say the least. A little bit of introspection and acknowledgement that I need something never will hurt.

You realize when you are married how much this doormat syndrome is praised. One hears “Oh, Are you cooking everything your husband likes?” from aunts who just have to know what is going on, or “Make sure he eats and sleeps well” to sometimes the most obscure “Are you keeping him happy?” I have not heard the last one personally, but know some who did…Isn’t anyone going to ask me “Is he keeping me happy?” or Is he doing his share of chores?”

That is perhaps why I felt happy doing this alone today, just me, all alone in the theater watching the lives of 40 somethings and how they attempt to fall in love, with themselves and with others on the big screen


The Shrinking wallet!

Apparently, your waist is not the only thing that takes a beating on diet plans. The Wallet thins down too. Well! DUH!!

I am all for a proportioned body, which has already made me a shrinking minority in this country, but this need to fit into a jean that is tailored for a bamboo shoot. Good Grief! I wish I could spoon feed a huge brownie to every star out there. This was also in the news. This attitude is so dangerous that it is not funny any more. People who have just had children losing 20 odd pounds in matter of weeks, exercising for 3 – 4 hrs a day. Why do you even bother having kid? I usually get the reaction that it is the media and all one has to do is ignore these messages and everything will be alright. But the truth is, this screwed up body image is a subtle message that pervades a lot more spaces than just MTV or celebrity magazines. I exercise to lose weight I gained, I am not denying it. But I also love eating…I made sugar cookies yesterday and wiped out about 3 cookies worth of dough :D. But when someone like her who makes grown women nuts says this, but also says she is a chain smoker and smokes in front of everyone including her kid,  you have to take a step back and wonder what goes through these people’s mind. I mean is this really necessary. The media is a huge source of influence here and it affects people. The obsession with cellulite and body shapes and creams and gels, drives one nuts. I still have no clue what cellulite is by the way. When they show a photo of a bikini wearing someone and point out cellulite, all I can see is a shaped butt and leg….It is eye rolling craziness.

I have been to places where the only talk centers around shapes, sizes and how much to lost by eating what…Are we suddenly running out of topics to talk about? Maybe, I am just in the wrong room, or with the wrong people. I don’t know. But as much as I want to lose weight, I also know that it is not a reflection of who I am or what I do. I’d rather have a full wallet, a satisfied stomach and a smile knowing that the next icecream bowl is just a few hours away 🙂


Simplify

I have a new mantra when I shop these days, “Oh My God! I definitely don’t need this that badly.” Blame it on the high prices, recession, ridiculously expensive groceries, whatever, I am learning a new thing. I am learning to simplify my life more than I ever thought would be possible. I am not giving up everything and moving to the forest, but I have realized that half the things that I assumed would make my life just perfect are too darn expensive. I’d rather be less perfect than guilty of splurging on things I don’t really need. From donating items around the house to making lists, to making sure everything I have in the fridge can be used up, simplifying is what I am into now. Maybe it is the place, maybe it is the really high level of consumer driven everything around here shopping is more of an obsession than I have known. I don’t remember shopping till my feet hurt when I was growing up. Our biggest shopping would probably be before Diwali and my grandmother would go and buy everything. Itwould be exciting for us because we would get to see all the new dresses and stuff. Other than that every month, my grandfather used to take us to the big grocery store in town – a very stately and somber Rangaswamy chettiar and sons to shop for monthly groceries. We could pick any chocolate or icecream we wanted and wait near the cashier who was also the owner with grandpa, while the list was handed out and a lady would scurry around picking out things. The best part would come later when he would take us to Orchard and buy us a big mug of fresh fruit juice. That was that. Things have changed now, it would be a bit stupid on my part if I wanted to expect the same now, here, miles away from home. But thinking about it I realized how it was in the little things I gained happiness and how it took so little effort and very little shopping to keep me happy. Don’t mistake me, now that I am used to it I cannot live without my iPod, books, phone and computer but everything else I can pare down. But everything else maybe I can. Atleast I want to try.

That will be this weeks’ word: Simplify!